Firstly, if you haven’t booked for LSF2020, you should do it now, here’s the link http://bit.ly/2D7Yp8d
Why are you still here?
Please book your ticket, you have twenty seconds to comply …
You now have fifteen seconds to comply!
Wondering what on Earth I’m talking about? Let me explain … ROBOCOP!

One of the highlights of LSF2018 was the Robocop: Script to Screen session.
Imagine sitting in cinema conditions, watching a classic cyberpunk action movie, writer friends either side of you, two industry pros are on the stage talking with legendary screenwriter Ed Neumeier about how his movie was made. OMFG! I must be dreaming!! Nope. It actually happened and then after we watched the movie the audience got to ask questions, and both of my friends asked a question! I was sitting between them like a stunned mullet. It was lucky Mark caught the Catchbox (portable microphone) before it smacked me in the head because I was sat there totally awestruck.
Robocop: Script to Screen was a finale to remember but there were so many highlights of LSF2018. I was at the festival as a speaker on a panel about novel writing, and as carer for my friend. I went into The London Screenwriters’ Festival as a novelist and children’s book author who dabbles in screenwriting. I came out a very different person, with lots of new ideas on where I want to take my career.
The Festival sparked a fire inside me that can never be extinguished.
I went to as many panels and talks as I could while aiding my lovely friend, who, as much as she needed me to help with mobility, was a great help to me as a guide and support for my first panel.
What exactly did I get out attending this amazing celebration of storytellers and creatives?
SO MUCH! And I didn’t even pitch or attend table reads.
I learned exactly which parts of the industry were for me and which were probably not for me. Writing for Games 0.9 was an eye-opener. Rhianna Pratchett (who was wearing the most awesome sparkly Batman ‘knuckleduster’ ring) gave the audience a clear picture of how the industry works and where writers fit in. I agree with Alfred Hitchcock in that the script is all important, and in the gaming world, it isn’t … yet. That is changing though. The girl next to me, who was also a Legend of Zelda fan (I have been playing this game since I was fourteen) was a perfect fit for the gaming world but it wasn’t for me.
Here are other panels/talks I attended & why they were super inspiring.

​What Can Writers Learn from ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’?
​I write dystopian novels – two published by Bloodhound Books. I love The Handmaid’s Tale and so this session was magic for me. It was a must for anyone wanting to master what it takes to write authentic characters and a convincing dystopian world. I learned an awful lot about what it takes to get the recipe just right for television and novels. Lucy is an excellent teacher and a lot of fun. My teenage daughter would have loved this session. They should teach this way in high schools.

​The Beginning: Crafting the First Ten Pages That Hooks the Reader
​What an inspirational and fun speaker Joey Tuccio is. His words are still echoing inside my head. “There are so many writers, make sure your work stands out!” I do take risks in order to get my work noticed so this was good to hear. At the end of his talk, Joey said he was going to pick people from the audience to pitch. I was HORRIFIED! Don’t pick me. I haven’t got anything prepared. I shrunk in my seat. A guy at the front put his hand up. Phew! Thank you, crazy dude. Seriously, who is nuts enough to volunteer to pitch to a room full of people … OMG! It’s my friend Mark! He didn’t know I was sat at the back. I was willing him to do well the entire time. He smashed it! Seeing your friends do well is a HUGE part of the festival. It’s not about competing, it’s about helping each other and cheering your peers on.

​Writing for The Right Young Audience; how to hit your mark every time!
​I’m a picture book author and I’ve always felt drawn to writing children’s television. I love animation. My children are the perfect excuse to watch lots of kids shows. In 2015 I sent my first script to CBBC and they gave me some fab feedback and told me to get a pilot made. I had no idea how to do that so I put screenwriting to one side and concentrated on novels. After meeting the panel at LSF and listening to their experiences I realised children’s television was definitely for me. The speakers were warm, friendly and super talented. I made important contacts, and using feedback from one, I now know how to move forward. THIS WAS WORTH ITS WEIGHT IN GOLD. Advice straight from a pro who's doing what I want to do. Where else are you going to get that? ONLY at The London Screenwriters’ Festival.

​Creating Alien, Hitchhiker’s Guide, X-Files and Batman… Meet Dirk Maggs
​Now, Aliens is one of my all-time favourite movies. The xenomorph is one of my all-time favourite monsters. Ripley is one of my all-time favourite characters … breathe, Emma! When Chris Jones announced the radio play three-page script competition I was so excited. OMFG! Then I realised I was going on a family holiday to Devon and had promised I wouldn’t take me laptop and the deadline was in a week. Noooooooooo!!! Hang on, I didn’t promise I wouldn’t take a notebook. Aha! I snuck off in the evenings to ‘read’ and wrote my Alien script longhand. I photographed it and sent it to my friend, who kindly typed it up and sent it in. My script, TERROR-SYNTH, was shortlisted. Whoop! Big thanks to Rachael for helping me submit. When our friend Kendall’s name was called as the winner we all cheered and stamped our feet. Then the fun began. The actors read their lines, directed by the legendary Dirk Maggs. Then the sound guy sat at his laptop, headphones on. He spliced the vocals with the music and sound effects, while we listened to Chris interview Dirk. In just one hour, the piece was ready. Chris turned off the lights and we listened to Alien: Airborne, in the dark. It had all the creepy sound effects from the movies. Laura was quivering beside me. It was scary. I freaking loved it. Inspired again. I’m going to learn how to write for radio. You can listen to the Audio HERE.

​There you have it. That’s my view of the festival, and I didn’t even mention how much fun The British Screenwriting Awards are!
I’m told the three-day festival pass is over £700 in value. I can tell you, that’s true. Yet you’ll only pay HALF of that. Even if you’re not a screenwriter, it doesn’t matter, you’ll learn so much about craft and the art of storytelling. You can even pay for your ticket monthly.
LSF2020 is going to be a MONSTER! I mean that in a good way. You can bet there will be some BIG players in the industry there. What are you waiting for? Tickets are going fast.  Come to LSF2020 and unlock your future. Your career is in your hands, don’t let it slip through your fingers. Grab every opportunity.

By Lucy V Hay On February 14, 2018 · 2 Comments

So, you’ve received an angry one-star review for your novel? Maybe it’s something like this:
This is nothing like the brilliance that is Romeo and Juliet. I know everything about books and this one sucks balls. A Tale of Two Cities, it is not! More like a Tale of Too Shitty! AVOID! Do not waste your time and money!!!

Take a deep breath … Before you start digging a six feet deep hole in your back garden, read my solutions to the top five mistakes writers make with reviews:

1) Murdering the ReviewerYour first instinct might be to find out where the RANTviewer lives and aim a grenade launcher at their home. But most people who RANTview have never written a novel and odds are they couldn’t write a good one. Well, not without years and years of practice and by then, they might think differently about giving out less than three stars.

STOP! Don’t do this. Killing someone because they wrote a nasty review is never a good idea. Yes, they should’ve thought about the hard work that goes into writing a novel and at least been polite, but they weren’t. Relax, my friend. MORE: Top 10 (Normal) Struggles Writing A Novel

2) Replying/CommentingYour second thought might be to give the ranter a telling off or explain how much they hurt your feelings. That it took two years to build the world that they smashed down in two seconds.

WAIT! Step away from the keyboard. This ranter clearly doesn’t care about hurting people. Telling them off will fuel the fire, while telling them you’re hurt by their words will only bring them pleasure. Don’t feed the trolls. MORE: Top 10 Commandments For Successful Writers

3) Stooping to Their LevelYou might think: I’m going to ruin this person’s online life. I’m going to spread gossip about them all over the net, see how they like it! I’ll tell people they read books about bestiality and if their goodreads shelves were accurate it would include novels about poop fetishes and goat shagging.

HOLD UP! Two wrongs don’t make a right. Don’t go there! They enjoy this sick sport and you don’t, so they’ll win every time. MORE: 5 Ways Writers Kill Their Credibility Online

4) Explaining Why You Should Be Cut Some SlackMost people don’t slag off good indie films because they know there is often a tight budget involved and the film makers did the best with what they had to work with. However, if a big budget blockbuster movie falls flat people are understandably less tolerant.
The same rule does not apply to novels.
Novelists are all judged the same way, even though we’re not always on an equal footing. Some of us will have six figure advances; huge PR drives, multiple editors, beta readers and so on; some of us will have zilch. Most of us will be somewhere in-between on that scale.
Me? I had one editor; my friends were betas and proofreaders; there was no advance, no proofs, ARCs sent to a few awesome bloggers, a reasonable marketing drive. I’m B2W taught, and proud of it! My small (soon to be HUGE) publisher did a wonderful job but readers will measure my novel with the same yardstick as the person with unlimited resources.

PAUSE! No one is going to cut you some slack and they shouldn’t have to. Good storytelling is good storytelling and you can bet that lucky author with all the bells and whistles has got some RANTviews as well. Probably worse than yours or mine. MORE: 5 Things I Learned Writing My Debut Novel

5) Staying SilentNever approach the person who gave you the one or two-star nasty but DO tell your writing community about it, they’ll be a huge source of comfort. You will find many of them have had similar experiences, even the most popular writers who sometimes seem untouchable. Your friends/family may love your writing regardless, but the proof in the pudding is when an unknown reader contacts you to say how much they loved your work. That is why we tell stories and that is what makes your blood, sweat and tears worthwhile.

THINK! Look at all the fab reviews you have, especially the ones from people you’ve never met. MORE: Revealed – 3 Surprising Ways To Sell More Books

Lastly:I hope this article has been helpful, you can take the grenade launcher back to the store now, fingers crossed you’ll get a refund. Any reviewers reading this (I also write reviews) can now feel safe, you won’t be attacked by some crazed writer, or perhaps I’ve given authors some really bad ideas. Either way, it’s been fun!

BIO: Emma Pullar is a writer of dark fiction and children’s books. Her picture book, Curly from Shirley,was a national bestseller and named best opening lines by NZ Post. You can read her SJV Award shortlisted horror story, London’s Crawling, in the Dark Minds charity collection and her dystopian sci-fi story, Old Trees Don’t Bend, in The Anthropocene Chronicles. Emma has also written three shortlisted stories for Create50. Her debut novel SKELETAL published by Bloodhound Books is out NOW. Follow Emma on twitter HERE or visit her website www.emmapullar.com.

Anyway, I paid this kindness forward and sent the book to Jorja, who I met in an online book club. Lovely Jorja then sent me a gorgeous thank you card and I’ve put it pride of place on my bookcase. Next time you’re in a slump, go hang out in the book club.

4.  Two Books are Better Than One

I usually read two books at a time. The reason I do this is because I’m a slow reader, often having to read in short bursts because I never know what I might be doing from one day to the next.

This helps in two ways:
1.  I chose two very different stories and so if one doesn’t suit my mood that day, I can read the other.
2.  I keep a paperback in my bag and the kindle in my bedside drawer. I know it seems like I should do this the other way around to save space but I often forget to charge my kindle, keeping it near a power source works better for me.

The first rule of Write Club is: you do not talk about Write Club.

The second rule of Write Club is … wait! Perhaps we should talk about it??

Over the years, I’ve learned a few things about what is acceptable behaviour in writing circles and what is considered bad manners. Perhaps you’ve already broken some Write Club rules.

Dare to read on? Are you tough enough to take a punch to the face and come back fighting. Yes? Then chew on these, suckers (Arf)! Enjoy …

RULE #1
Writers Shall Not Ask Other Writers to Write Their Book for Them

This should be obvious but clearly it isn’t, because I’ve had a few people contact me and the first line they write in the message is … ‘Can you write my book for me?’ (!!)

ERM NO! Hire a ghost writer, that’s what they’re for! I recommend John F McDonald. PLUS, if you want to turn your novel into a screenplay, why not try Elinor Perry-Smith?

RULE #2
Writers Shall Not Send Unsolicited Material

Seriously, this is like meeting someone for the first time and forcing food into their mouth without asking if they want some. Don’t do it. What’s more, don’t send unasked-for stuff to industry pros like literary agents either, you’re wasting your time!

RULE #3
Writers Shall Not Ask Other Writers For Reviews

Think about who you are asking this favour of and whether they actually have time to spare. Many writers also have a day job, so their time is extremely precious. HOWEVER, book bloggers are actively looking for books to review … it’s a question of looking in the WRITE PLACE! Doh!

RULE #4
Writers Shall Not Spam Everyone Up The Arse

There’s a thin line between marketing and spam. KNOW WHAT THEY ARE. Yes, yes writers love to help fellow writers, but AGAIN, remember it’s book bloggers you should be targeting.
So, don’t use your social media simply to try and flog your blog, plus always remember another person’s online space is like their house. Don’t plaster posters up over it without asking, this is the sort of thing that annoys the crap out of people online.

RULE #5
Writers Shall Not Advertise in Comments & Threads (unless asked)

Three words, ‘move to trash’. Just like rule 4, this practice is SPAM too! DON’T lose your credibility as a writer online.

RULE #6
Writers Shall Not Ask to Read Someone’s Work In Progress (WIP)

Can I read your manuscript? Ha! No. Most writers have a group of beta readers. Professional writers need to earn a living. They can’t give work away. Hobby writers may say yes to your request but learn to tell the difference. Would you ask a chef for their recipes before they publish the cookbook or would you wait and buy the book?

It should be the same for novels. Peer review is okay, muscling in is not. If you can’t tell the difference then do what I do, don’t ask, drop subtle hints and wait for them to offer!

RULE #7
Writers Shall Not Ask for A Free Book

Many people don’t stop to think about cost. Is it free to put a book together? No. Asking for a free book is like asking for money. Most of us can’t really afford to write books, we do it because it’s who we are.

If you enjoy the work then please support your writer friends by paying 99p for an ebook. I love paperbacks but if I can’t afford one I will spend 99p for an ebook. Most of us can do that. (Psssssst if you still want a free book, then look out for competitions and giveaways on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. I’ve won a few books this way).

RULE #8
Writers Shall Not Enter into Spam Wars
Writers who constantly plug their books think this is good exposure but trust me, it’s NOT. Find someone who loves your book and ask them to push it. Chances are they may do this already!

If an author constantly posts the same thing over and over, no new info, nothing different to say – people switch off. Find a new and exciting way to get people thinking about your book. Change it up.

RULE #9
Writers Shall Not Ask for Free Editing

Editing and proofing are REALLY IMPORTANT. Don’t skimp on this by trying to be a cheapskate. There are lots of cost-effective services around, LIKE THIS ONE, or THIS ONE.

RULE #10
Writers Shall Not Ask for Access to Agents or Publishers!

You should NEVER message a writer out of the blue and ask them to put you in contact with their publisher/agent. I can’t emphasise this point enough.

Effective networking means friendship and trust. Example: I made friends with a writer. Exchanged feedback. She was searching for a publisher. I knew someone. I contacted them on her behalf. She submitted her work. She now has a book deal.

A month ago, this writer didn’t know me and this month she landed a book deal via me. Then, I got the chance to pitch my work because of this same writer’s encouragement.

Remember: friends first, favours second!

Concluding:  It’s difficult to navigate the writing world without knowing the ‘rules.’ I hope I’ve made it a bit clearer for newbies and in avoiding these pitfalls I’m sure you’ll find every success on your writing journey.
The first rule of Write Club is: you should definitely talk to everyone about Write Club.

Good luck!

What makes a classic? For me, a classic book is one that penetrates the soul of many readers and stands the test of time … And by that, I mean it continues to sell decades after it was published.

We can all state the usual classic books by amazing authors like Dickens and Shakespeare, yet there are so many classics out there that don’t immediately spring to mind. Here are 10 Sensational Classics to Read Right Now!

1) Battle Royale by Koushun Takami

Kids kidnapped and taken to an island to fight to the death until one is left standing, done in the name of entertainment and to maintain law and order over the unruly youth. Battle Royale may not scream classic, yet, Takami’s YA novel is not just a horror show. It’s a looking glass into the minds of teenagers faced with an impossible situation and their attempts to stay alive. Some give up, some become ruthless killers and some stand up against the government and try to escape. Dystopian as a genre is full of classic tales. This one being one of the best.

For more information on dystopian worlds, read my Top Ten Deplorable Dystopian Worlds HERE.

2) I know Why The Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou

This is the first volume in a series of six autobiographical books. It’s a coming of age story. Quote: “I was going to look like one of those sweet little white girls who were everybody’s dream of what was right with the world.” Two pages in and tears were streaming down my face. What a thing for a child to think. A powerful account of a difficult life, told in an innocent voice and in the style of a fictional novel. Have some tissues handy, you will cry. A non-fiction classic.

3) Frankenstein by Mary Shelley

There was some dispute over this one. People couldn’t believe that a woman, and someone as young as twenty, could have penned this accomplished, dark, gothic story. Mary’s husband (also a writer) must have written the novel. Nope! It was found that her husband had done no more to enhance the story than that of a usual editor. Mary had indeed penned the tale. Frankenstein is whimsically written, lulling the reader into a false sense of security before the frightening truth unfolds. The story of Frankenstein’s monster has been retold using many different mediums. It’s a tragic tale of a manmade creature trying to find his place in the world. The creature ends up killing people and destroying is maker’s life, all because he doesn’t wish to be alone. Doctor Frankenstein is the real monster. A firm classic.

4) The Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank

When I was the same age as Anne, I wrote a diary. It was unremarkable garbage which involved teenage angst and gossip. I thought it might be publishable and actually wrote to my favourite author at the time to ask her opinion. She told me my diaries would have to be remarkable to be published. Mine might not have been, but Anne Frank’s certainly was! Written from age 13-15, Anne documented her life during the war and sadly died in a concentration camp, never to know her diary would be published. Anne describes people and events as only a teenager can. It is both heart-warming and heart-breaking: “In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart.” A forever classic.

5) Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden

Arthur wrote this book over six years and it was released when he was forty. This is one of my all-time favourite novels, which is surprising because it does not fit with my usual ‘go to’ genres. What makes this classic story amazing is the fact Golden consulted a real Geisha and spent time studying and working in Japan. The novel transports you back to a time period when Geisha were at their peak. It’s a work of fiction but Mineko Iwasaki, who Golden had secret meetings with, was outraged when he named her in the acknowledgements. She received death threats and lost friends over breaking the code of Geisha and then wrote her autobiography: ‘Geisha of Gion’ as counter balance to his story. It makes me wonder how much of a work of fiction it is and that maybe there is more truth in this story than Geisha would like to acknowledge.


6) Animal Farm by George Orwell

George had written ten books before he penned Animal Farm and was about forty-two when he wrote this amazing political tale about farm animals staging a revolution. The animals wanted freedom and a better life, what happens is far from it. This novella highlights how easy it is to manipulate facts to suit an agenda and how easily the mind will accept alt-facts. A clever story and one that stands the test of time, especially in the post Brexit, Trump age!

7) The Color Purple by Alice Walker 

Written in entries titled ‘Dear god’ this book is strong from the start. It almost feels like non-fiction. The protagonist’s voice and character pops off the page, Celie’s southern accent coming through as if she sits in the room talking to you. Alice Walker actually narrates the audiobook, it’s haunting. The Color Purple is a tale of sexism, racism, abuse and control. It is also a tale of sisterhood and strength in the face of adversity. A southern girl, in impossible circumstances. There’s no question as to why this won the Pulitzer prize, this book deals in the human condition with unapologetic honesty.

8) Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone by JK Rowling

The Harry Potter series is hugely popular and for good reason. I believe it is a classic tale across seven books. I’ve found that some adults have a mental block where HP is concerned and it’s a real shame. I read the books in my 20s and it was a magical experience. My children are now reading, watching and listening to the masterpiece that is the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. The story is riddled with messages of morality and touches on so many important issues; right and wrong and the grey area in between. Injustice. Life, loss and death. JK Rowling has sewn her fantasy world into our reality, and that’s the real magic of Harry Potter.

9) Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury

Ray’s writing is unusual. It’s written in prose I’d never seen before. Disjointed and poetic, like the story itself. The book is centred around the life of a man called Guy Montag, who’s a fireman; called not to put out fires but to start them. In this bleak idea of the future, books are outlawed and Montag’s job is to burn them and any personal libraries he happens across. Montag is soon disillusioned with the world he lives in and everything starts to unravel from there. A classic dystopian tale which is every reader’s nightmare.
For more on this title, read the case study HERE.

10) Misery by Stephen King

From a reader’s book-burning nightmare to a writer’s manuscript-burning one! Misery is one of my favourite King books. It’s the ultimate fangirl obsession taken to psychopathic levels. Annie Wilkes is a classic character and the idea of a writer being kept prisoner in order to re-write a book a fangirl was unhappy with is something I don’t think can ever be recreated. King has nailed it.

For more on this title, read the case study HERE.

IN CLOSING: There are thousands of classics and more being penned every day. I’d love to hear from anyone who can recommend classic work by LGBT, poor/uneducated or disabled authors. The person behind the book matters not, we don’t need to know who they are to enjoy their work but I, for one, think all voices should have an equal platform. Storytelling belongs to all of us. If we continue to increase the variety of voices and characters in our stories, the HUMAN race will continue to grow and flourish.

Ah, Valentine’s Day – the one day of the year most of us DREAD. Yep, you read that right. It’s not about love, it’s about companies using our emotions against us in order to cash in!

Perhaps we should celebrate the day of love as was intended? I researched the murky origins of Valentine’s Day and then thought about couples who might prefer the traditional Roman way of celebrating, rather than the card-giving we do these days.

We’ve gone from this …

“From Feb. 13 to 15, the Romans celebrated the feast of Lupercalia. The men sacrificed a goat and a dog, then whipped women with the hides of the animals they had just slain. The Romans were drunk and naked. Young women would actually line up for the men to hit them. They believed this would make them fertile. The brutal fete included a matchmaking lottery, in which young men drew the names of women from a jar. The couple would be together for the duration of the festival —or longer, if the match was right.” YIKES!

… To this:

‘William Shakespeare helped romanticise Valentine’s Day in his work, and thus it gained popularity throughout Britain and the rest of Europe. Approximately 150 million Valentine’s Day cards are exchanged annually, making Valentine’s Day the second most popular card-sending holiday after Christmas.’

Hmm … what a choice! Do I want a romantic Valentine’s Day of kisses and card-giving, or a good ol’whipping with the hide of an animal???

I think I know what my Top 5 Lunatic Lovers would choose — just watch out, 'cos here there be spoilers …

1) Mickey and Mallory Knox, NATURAL BORN KILLERS

When people first think of crazy lovers they go one of two ways: The Joker and Harlequin or Mickey and Mallory. These two are seriously screwed in the head. Both from abusive backgrounds, they hook up and go on a killing spree. They get off on killing people together. Taking lives brings them closer. They play sadistic games; not like cat and mouse, more like two wolves provoking each other. Deeply in love and deeply disturbed.

Tarantino’s screenplay was heavily revised by writer David Veloz, the producer and the director Oliver Stone. Though I like the film the way it is, I would love to see the original script. MORE: The Secret Of Writing Great Conflict In Scenes – 3 Examples

2) Spike and Drusilla, BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER

It’s no secret I’m a Buffy fan. A female slayer with super strength is a neat concept and the show has a great cast of characters. Two that I love are Spike and Drusilla. A vampire couple who’ve been together since forever. They love to torment their victims and although Dru is utterly insane, Spike worships her. The couple tease each other, plot together and kill for one another. Sadly, it doesn’t last. Though they can live forever, their love for each other dies.

3) Chucky and Tiffany, BRIDE OF CHUCKY

Comedy couple of the bunch. Plastic fantastic, passionate and psychotic. This couple enjoy being abusive to each other. Insults, physical abuse, they even try to kill one another. Dysfunctional and delightful. Once human, their consciousness is now trapped inside two dolls. Chucky was a serial killer and his bride shares his passion for murder and mayhem.

Tiffany: [after Chucky stabs her] My mother always told me love would set me free.
Chucky: [pushes her back] Get off my knife.

MORE: 7 Dark Loves of Cinema

4) Cersei and Jamie Lannister, GAME OF THRONES

These two are uber-sick puppies. Not only brother and sister but twins!

Cersei: Jaime and I are more than brother and sister. We shared a womb. We came into this world together, we belong together.

Cersei is a power-hungry tyrant who will stop at nothing to get what she wants. Jamie pushes a ten-year-old boy out of a window in order to keep their dirty secret and preserve their love. The boy doesn’t die. Naturally, Cersei then tries to kill him. Jamie rapes Cersei in a room with their dead son, but still they remain together.

5) Pauline and Juliet – HEAVENLY CREATURES

This movie is based on a true story and filmed in my home from home, Christchurch, New Zealand. I moved from London to New Zealand when I was sixteen years old and that’s when I met my own lunatic lover. (Well, minus the lunatic part!)

In the opening credits of Heavenly Creatures, Peter Jackson depicts a safe, conservative Christchurch and then a sinister story unfolds. The two girls are aspiring writers, and they create their own fantasy world to live in. When the couple are faced with being split up (society was not accepting of homosexuality back in 1950s) they plot to kill Pauline’s mother in order to stay together.

I’ve actually walked the path Pauline and Juliet took before committing the murder. It’s creepy. The girls tried to convince the authorities that the mother’s death was a terrible accident, but Pauline’s diaries were found and the lover’s worst fears realised. They were split up forever. MORE: Top 7 Killer Couples of Cinema

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone!

Stephen King is the master of horror. The king of grim, the heir of scare, the duke of puke, the prince of mince… well, maybe not that last one! But this means he also has some fantastic book to film adaptions out there.

I’m a huge King fan. Not quite as infatuated as Annie Wilkes is with Paul Sheldon, but not far off!  For those who are not familiar with Misery, here is a summary of the plot.

Story

Paul Sheldon is the writer of a popular romance series called Misery. He has a car accident in the middle of nowhere and Annie Wilkes (his number one fan) comes to his aid. Instead of taking him to the hospital this psychotic ex-nurse takes him to her home and holds him captive.

While he’s ‘recovering’ from his injuries she reads his latest Misery book and is livid when she finds out he’s killed off the protagonist (Misery), thus ending the series. Annie keeps Paul locked in a room and forces him to write a new novel, ‘Misery’s Return.’ Paul does as she bids, all the while trying to think of a way to escape before the crazed Annie kills him.

*Spoiler Alert*

Before we get started – there aren’t huge spoilers in here but there are some. I don’t mind spoilers because I’m a writer and it comes with the territory, but I’d hate to spoil the story for others. Ready? Let’s go …

The Book (released 1987)

STRENGTHS

1) Paul’s Misery is Threefold

So, we know Misery is the protagonist in a series of romance novels written by Paul Sheldon. The title is a nice play on words but it could have more than one meaning. For me, it’s also about the misery Paul feels in having to continue writing the popular romance series long after his passion for it fizzled out, writing to please readers and fulfil his obligation to the publisher (a fictional gun to his head). Then Paul crosses paths with his number one fan, Annie Wilkes, and this concept is taken to a whole new level, piling on more psychological misery and adding physical misery to the mix.

2) Paul’s Inner Crazy

Misery comes under the header psychological horror and the book lives up to this label. What the reader gains from the book is Paul’s thought pattern and not just what he is thinking about doing, but also an inner monologue from a third voice who is rather aggressive towards him. Paul seems to have two voices in his head. They are both his own, but one is an alter-ego, part of his self-loathing, which makes it seem like a separate entity jabbering away inside his head, slowly driving him crazy.

3) Annie Wilkes

As King says, ‘The best stories always end up being about the people, rather than the event.’  Annie is etched into my mind. She is the star of this book, her dialogue shaping her. On the surface, Annie doesn’t look like a traditional monster, even though Paul makes it seem like she’s gruesome, with her cracked lips and stinky breath. Yet that’s precisely what makes her terrifying.

What makes Annie dangerous is that she doesn’t look/seem dangerous … at first. This narcissistic maniac is the lynchpin; if she’d been less colourful and layered the story would have lost its magic. Paul, on the other hand, could have been anyone. He’s just a regular guy and maybe that contrasts to how crazy Annie is.

WEAKNESSES

4) Pace

The pace of the book was not fast enough for me. I don’t know if this is because I read it in the information age and not when it was released in 1987. I would have been seven-years-old and although already writing my own horror stories at that age, I was obviously not reading King yet. I expect to read fast-paced stories and I do struggle when they plod, no matter how rich the prose … but maybe that’s just me?

5) Too Much Information

I could have easily enjoyed the book had King left some less important strands of information out. The Misery’s Return parts for example. I was uninterested in reading about Misery’s adventures. No wonder Paul hated writing about her. I imagine King did this for several reasons: to show how annoying Annie is for liking such trash; to show Paul’s struggle having to write with the letter ‘n’ missing off his typewriter and later the letter ‘t’; or to show another part of Paul’s torture, forced to sit and write something he’s come to hate. I almost skipped over and only read on out of fear of missing something important later in the book. It’s a minor gripe though and I’m being extremely picky because it’s hard to find weaknesses in SK’s work.

The Film (released 1990)

STRENGTHS

6) Cuts

As mentioned above, I was bored by point 5 in this list, so I think the movie draws strength from us NOT having to read about Misery’s adventures! Instead, we only see an excited Annie asking Paul questions. Kathy Bates was perfect for this role. Not only does she look like the type of woman who would enjoy Misery stories but her body language and the way she delivers her lines is exactly like I imagined the deranged ex-nurse Annie Wilkes. King brought her to life on the pages and Bates did her justice on the screen.

7) Hobbling

I think the hobbling in the film was effective. Had they cut the foot off and blowtorched it, I don’t think that level of gore would have had the same impact as the block of wood and sledge hammer. It would have taken something away from the character Bates had created, pushed it too far in the insane direction for the viewers and made her less believable. Less was more in this case. I think this is also true of the scene with the lawnmower, which those dirty birdies left out of the film (but was my favourite part of the book!).

8) Dialogue and Overall ‘Feel’

The script was true to the book. I liked that they kept Annie’s original dialogue. Words like: Cockadoodee, dirty birdy, mister man and oogie, weren’t compromised. The writers were also loyal to the plot. The film was clean, simple and ticked all the boxes. The location and set design were just as I’d imagined. Had they made the film grander than two characters and a room, I think it would have failed.

WEAKNESSES

9) Paul Sheldon

I thought Paul was uninteresting. I didn’t feel the same level of sympathy towards him that I did in the book. I wondered if this was the choice of actor, perhaps I felt James Cann wasn’t the right fit? But I think some of it is to do with the lack of inner voice: it was almost like an extra character in the book and for me, this wasn’t translated to film. I felt Paul’s pain and panic but I’m not sure I cared about him all that much. In the book, I was rooting for Paul to escape, not so much in the film. His descent into madness wasn’t there; he stayed relatively calm in the film. If I think about casting the film today I would cast Heath Ledger (if he were alive) or Idris Elba as Paul … Melissa McCarthy would make a great Annie!

10) Paul’s Inner Voice

Had the inner voice making Paul crazy been added, I think I would have felt more of a connection to Paul. I don’t know how they could have portrayed this better but I feel it was the only thing the movie lacked.

In conclusion:

I like the book and film in equal amounts. Sometimes book to film can be disappointing but here we have a subject matter that translates from page to screen extremely well. Is it the simplicity of the story? Possibly. I think it’s also probably King’s genius and the right filmmakers and actors for the job.

By the way, as a writer,  the most miserable AND frightening part of both the book and the film was when Annie made Paul burn the only copy of his new manuscript. NO!!!

I think I’d have answered her request to torch my hard work with, ‘I’d rather die, you cockadoodee!’